It has been an uncommon year. It felt both short and long. I felt like there wouldn’t be much to say about it at first. It was one more year. One more year on the counter of years I accumulate; thirty-four to this day. One more year of COVID-19; we’re starting to get used to this, aren’t we? Likewise, one more year doing somewhat more of the same on top of that.
Yet, as I started to gather my thoughts, I came to realize that a lot had happened for me during the last twelve months. It had been neither what I had anticipated, nor what I’m used to.
2021 has been disarming, and, for the first time in a long time, meaningful.
I quit a job which brought me both professional and personal growth, but didn’t fulfill me anymore. If it ever did? I allowed myself the luxury of remaining unemployed for the best part of the year. During that time, I let myself being driven and absorbed by my own projects and ideas. Took the opportunity to spend more time with myself and the people I love. Spent months building an iOS application I had had the idea of for years, and failed. Took the time to work on getting to know and accepting myself better. Internalized that despite my ability to learn anything quite fast, certain things are better learned slow. Enrolled in online courses. Learned how to build a computer from scratch. Sharpened my design, user-interface and user-experience skills. Ported my 3D modeling and animation skills on the web. Improved my German, substantially. Refined my understanding of the computers I so love whispering to. Sharpened my flight simulation skills. Developed a taste for Math. Went from a chess newbie to a decent amateur ranked player. Developed a routine of practicing yoga and meditation on a daily basis. Which helped me ease the pain my body is encoded to provide me. Joined a group of peers with the same mental profile as mine. Came to accept that, despite music being an integral part of my life, I play and produce music for the wrong reasons. Played less video-games, but better ones I would invest the energy to see the end of. Canceled our Netflix subscription in favor of watching curated cinema and shows. Got to go back to my favorite places in the world.
2021 has been a year I got back in touch with myself, after years running like a headless chicken. Yet, it’s been a tough year. Painful. Quite sleepless. Very stressful. Full of doubts and anxiety.
Peaceful still. A peace made possible by all the intellectual, and emotional work I’ve made in recent years. Made possible by finding ways to proving myself I’m worth it, and to accepting me as a whole. By understanding that, I have spent a big part of my life bending to try to fit. By understanding that the world I would bend, the more the world would ask me to. Accepting that to not fit, to never fit. By also accepting that it’s okay to be who I am, how I am, and to express it in any form that’s meaningful to me. It’s been a long detour; but I stumbled on a milestone.